Yes, Virginia, there is a superhero

Sure is funny the things your mind conjures up on a cold, winter's evening, your feet achieving a toasty state by the fire ...

Santa is a superhero.

I never realized it before, but sure enough, he is.

Sure, you could say his super power is bringing joy to the hearts and minds of kids of all ages this time of year, but apparently his superhumanness knows no bounds.

Let's break it down:

* Santa visits virtually every house in the world on a given night.

I say this because there are always a few kids who don't get the "He's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice" memo. Santa passes over such homes.

But even so, Santa goes into warp speed - landing the sleigh, shimmeying down the chimney, slinging a present or two under the tree, biting a cookie, swigging the milk, and snatching a carrot for Rudolph before boosting himself back up, only to land on the now-moving sleigh - all in one apparent blindingly-fast motion.

Apparently being near the magnetic North Pole has given him this ability.

This is probably the reason that no one has ever seen him in action - he's so quick there's nothing to see.

* Santa can drive the sleigh, read the GPS, telepathically transfer the coordinates to Ruldolph, and digest all those cookies and milk without a rest stop.

Face it - no man has the iron constitution that the bearded wonder does.

* Santa is such a master sleigh driver, no kid has ever heard him land on his roof (although many claim to).

Yep, for a rotund, jolly old fellow, he's a wizard with the reins, all while digging through his enormous bag for that specific gift he'll clutch as he slides down that chimney, and oh, yeah, about that ...

* Santa never has an ounce of soot on him, even though we know most chimneys he is traveling through are not spotless.

I'm going with the theory that he is like Helen (the wife on "The Incredibles"), who can morph into any shape. Obviously, Santa stretches himself out to pass through the chimney slot with inches to spare all around.

* Santa does all this in one night, after spending a month straight at the mall.

That guy with the white whiskers is a saint, for sure. No one else could go through that schedule and have any energy left for an around-the-world jaunt like the one he flawlessly performs each Dec. 25. All hail Sleigh-sar!

Yep, for sure Santa should wear red-and-white tights instead of that suit and cap.

But, hey - it's the perfect cover, and besides, even a superhero can get cold.

Jerry Hitchcock, who will leave an energy bar for Santa this year, can be reached at 664-8176, Ext. 2017, via email at [email protected] or on Twitter at HitchTheWriter.