Don't yell, parents
"Happy Father's Day gramps," Quiny screams through the phone as I quickly move the handset from my ear in response to her yell. "Thanks Quin, and happy Father's Day to you too," I offer as my granddaughter giggles and responds, "I'm not a father, I'm a kid. Silly gramps." I love my granddaughter more than life itself. Each moment of affection, love, laughs, hugs and kisses reinforce my desire to spend every moment of my existence, deeply breathing in the life of this little spirit.
I believe I'm a good gramps. I listen to Quin's imaginative stories of flying her spaceship to Mars and building large buildings in Paris. I praise her when she does well and constructively correct her when she makes poor choices. Being a behavioral scientist, I use my education, experience working with families and research in past parenting of Quin's mother and present nurturing of my grandchildren. All the research, education and experience in the world do not make a perfect parent. I offer the following memorable event in my life which teaches to tolerate, remain composed, love unconditionally and laugh when first wanting to yell.
Quinlyn has a new fascination; she loves to pick flowers from my garden. Gardening has become an obsession for me. I start flowers and vegetables from seeds in the basement of my home in February and March and tenderly nurture them to maturity. Planting flowers in pots on the deck is a late-spring family tradition. My granddaughter's mix the soil, separate the seedlings and decide the artistic placement of each plant in their pots. This spring I caught Quinlyn picking one of the first light purple cosmos of the summer and yelled, "Quiny, quit picking the flowers."
My beautiful grandbaby looks up with her beautiful dark brown eyes, Dutch boy brown haircut and slightly upturned corners of her tiny mouth, looks back at the plant and gently picks the last flower from the pot. This time I yell loud enough for the neighbors to hear. "Quin, what are you doing? Quit picking my flowers!"
The upturned corners of her mouth turn south, she looks at me with fear and starts crying big raindrop tears. Her bottom lip purses and tears start pouring from her round chocolate eyes. I follow her lead by losing my composure as my eyes fill with moisture. I feel like the worst grandfather in the world. I used my power to scare and intimidate instead of my wisdom to teach. I made a mistake.
I want Quin to stop picking flowers but instead I teach her, when I ask her to stop doing something and she continues doing it, I will blow-up and become a scary monster. I teach her I am not a loving grandfather but a screaming grandfather who is intimidating and scary. I teach Quin, when she is hurt or frightened she should search for her loving and nurturing mother or granny for comfort and not the uncompassionate me.
Children view hugs and yelling, as love verses hate - if you hug me, you love me, if you yell, you hate. Small children do not understand human emotion as adults do. When a child says, "I hate you," they are saying they are mad at you but don't have the language accusation to fully understand love and hate. Instead, their limited language and emotional maturity allows them to love or hate you - nothing in between.
It is important not to get angry and combative if a child states they no longer love us. We can simply say, "I'm sorry you're mad," in a calm and caring way. Most parents explode when feeling frustrated or tired which is understandable. When one explodes, one should expect the victim of our explosion to react. This reaction will almost always be negative. Parenting is no accident. To become an effective parent one must be in control of his or her emotions and composure. How does one nurture and not intimidate?
• Pick one's battles carefully - a flower is just a flower.
• When you make a mistake, fix it - a hug for Quin became a physical apology for my explosion.
• Don't explode - exploding forces the victim to yell, cry, running away and fear you; the outcome of the victim is predictable.
• Stay in control - emotions are unpredictable when we lose control. We tend to do and say things we later regret.
Intimidation and fear creates a reactive child who struggles to understand their role in the world and reacts to situations. A nurtured and cared for child explores the world and discovers and creates their role in the world. Discovering is better than reacting.
Life can become overwhelming. When the dog poops on the couch, your daughter spills juice on the white rug and the doorbell is ringing remember, "Do I want to make this situation better or worse?" Exploding exacerbates the chaos while calmness dilutes the disorder. Take a deep breath, in with the good air and out with the bad, and relax.
Bill Rutherford is a psychotherapist, public speaker, elementary school counselor, adjunct college psychology instructor and executive chef, and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please email him at [email protected].