Share a toast to dying

I've made it clear to my family: I want no fuss. No tear-soaked service, no sea of black-clad funeral guests, some who undoubtedly will attend because they feel they should, not because they really knew me.

Nope; I want a close-knit party at home. Tears are OK if outnumbered by laughs. Wine and food, jeans and T-shirts; leave the sugar-coating at the door. Embarrassing stories, unexpressed anger for my mistakes, and jokes in poor taste. I want to be celebrated and jabbed by those who knew me best, then I want them to feel good about moving on with their lives and be happy without me.

Feeling as I do, it seems apropos that of the dozens of events we attend each year, my hands-down favorite is this weekend: Hospice of North Idaho's annual wine-tasting and fundraiser. OK, it's dress-up, but I am a girl and I don't have to wear black. No depressing speeches, no tear-jerking stories, no high-pressure pitches. Just row after row of regional wines, good finger food, a chocolate fountain, a nice low-lit atmosphere (I'm a vampire; I hate light), and hours to enjoy it all at a steady pace. The way the event is laid out it's difficult to stay in any conversation for long; a few how are yous and in five minutes or less the crowd urges you to move on.

In other words, perfect.

Perfect too is the whole notion that this reverie is for people who are dying. HONI is a nonprofit organization that makes the natural process as smooth as possible, as much for the family as for the dying. They offer in-home nursing services, counseling, practical items like walkers and shower seats, really anything that makes dying easier and less painful. All delivered free and with an informed compassion to which I can personally attest.

Let's be honest: We're obsessed with fear of dying. We start worrying about it and acting against it, to the point of ridiculous, even before we hit middle age. We go to impractical and often harmful lengths to appear younger than we are, perhaps to ourselves more than to others, who tend to see through it anyway. So when we really do face death, we make it more difficult than need be. Fear is worse than death's reality. Left to its natural pace and process, it tends to be peaceful.

Many ancient cultures, and a few modern ones, see death and aging much differently. Instead of resisting they embrace it, or at least are relaxed about it. It's inevitable, so why impose all this angst? It only makes things so much harder for the person going through the most complex experience of their life: its end.

HONI still has a few tickets for Saturday's event; call (208) 772-7994. Your money goes to an excellent cause needed by all. Even then, life's to be celebrated.

Sholeh Patrick, J. D. is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. E-mail [email protected]