Start the healing process

COEUR d'ALENE - Kari Joys grew up "feeling broken."

Joys, of Coeur d'Alene, was sexually abused by an older brother from the time she was five years old. The same brother raped and sexually abused another female family member who was five years younger than Joys.

"I became depressed, and didn't know why," Joys said. "I wondered if anyone was happy, or if they were all faking it like I was."

That was a long time ago.

Joys, now a psychotherapist with a practice in Spokane, was in her 30s when she began to understand and heal from the childhood incidents that had affected her so deeply.

Joys completed her master's degree research and thesis on the long-term affects of sexual abuse, and has spent the past 20 years working extensively with other survivors, helping them recover from the affects of the abuse.

Joys is leading a free Sexual Abuse Recovery Workshop from 9:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Saturday at the Harding Family Center, 411 N. 15th St., Coeur d'Alene.

The workshop is sponsored by the North Idaho Violence Prevention Center, and part of the nonprofit's observance of April as Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

"Survivors will have a chance to hear from other survivors, to hear their stories, and about the healing process," Joys said.

The workshop is for those who have been sexually abused, people who love them, and professionals who support survivors.

Many survivors are fearful of looking at what happened to them, Joys said.

"It's there and it's affecting your life in some way until you deal with it. You can't just deal with it intellectually. You have to let yourself feel it, how it affected you emotionally," Joys said. "Then you move past it, and learn new skills for communication, conflict resolution, how to set boundaries and develop self-esteem."

As a survivor herself, Joys understands the toll sexual abuse takes on the lives of those who have experienced it.

Joys came from a family she describes as "very religious."

She was told as a child that if she did anything that attracted a man to her, caused him to have "unclean thoughts," whatever happened was her fault.

She remembers being constantly worried that she was doing something that might provoke abuse.

"Family issues are one of the things that come up because a lot of families blame the victim, which is what happened in my family," Joys said. "I didn't get much support. People are so judgmental if you even bring up the topic."Her family thought she was trying to destroy the family, and encouraged her to "forgive and forget," which is actually counter to the recovery process.

Survivors usually find that "life isn't working well" for them, she said. They are plagued with lack of self-worth, experience difficulty with relationships, and feelings of depression and anxiety that seem to come from nowhere.

Problems at work are also common, Joys said. Low self-esteem makes it difficult for people to move forward in their careers. "Rather than using your talents to become who you want to be, you might allow yourself to become re-victimized," Joys said. Survivors have trouble setting boundaries, she said, and often allow people to take advantage of them. They don't know how to say "no," because they weren't allowed to while growing up.

"You don't know how to stand up for yourself. You don't believe you deserve it, and find yourself tolerating less than love and respect because that's what you're used to," Joys said.

At Saturday's workshop, Joys said everyone will be able to participate - if they want to.

"It's a safe situation. No one is expected to share anything they don't want to share, but you will get a lot of love and support simply for coming, for being brave enough to show up," Joys said. "Just by listening you will learn and grow. You'll feel uplifted just by being around other people who are being honest and real. You can't help it."

Information: 664-9303