Keep kids safe, but don't hide them
Allow me to set the stage. It's 9:53 p.m. Saturday as I write this column, deeply involved in pensive thoughtful and insightful cognition thinking of the topic, "Setting Goals and Methods of Reaching Self-Actualization," in the man cave of my home.I hear a faint "Bill, Bill, Bill," coming from my wife and am surprised by her urgency but intrigued by the lightness of her voice asking me to come upstairs. I know she's not worried or scared so I quickly press save and skip up the stairs.
"There are kids outside who want something big but worth only a penny." Interesting, I think with disbelief but look at my wife for clarity. "They are on a scavenger hunt and need something big worth a penny," she adds.I open the door and smile at the 11 to 14 year-olds on my front doorstep holding up a penny and asking again, "Do you have anything big worth a penny?" I look at the little faces in front of me, nod and say, "I have an idea." I run to the linen closet and pull out a pillow, hand it to the kids at the door and say, "I think this will do the trick." As I begin to close the door, a young boy holds a penny through the door crack and says, "This is for you." I thank the child for the penny and laugh out loud closing the door.
As I continue writing this column at 10:17 p.m. two things come to mind. First, how wonderful is it that children are able to play past dark in this North Idaho town and still feel safe. Secondly, kids 35 years younger than I am are still playing the same games and enjoying the same simple, benign, creative, exciting play I enjoyed three decades previously. I abandon the article on goal setting in place of celebrating children's need to play safely.Once I close the door I wonder, "Are these kids safe?" Playing outside on a Saturday night with no adult supervision can't be safe in this unsafe, unstable world we live in, can it? I react to the fear and catastrophic thinking of our popular culture. I know these kids, they're my neighbors, I see them daily playing basketball in the street and waiting at the bus stop every weekday morning. Yes, these kids are safe but why am I challenging my beliefs of their safety? Clients, students in the college classes I teach and the parents I talk with often say, "Kids have it tough these days." "Things are so different now than they were when I was young." "We need to protect our kids from the way the world is now." Things are different these days - true. Technology changes how we communicate, convenient food can be found on every street corner, we overeat and consume much more than we need or should and we now know everything that is happening, good and bad, in all parts of the world instantaneously.
The world has changed but generally, for the good. The United States is safer now than it was 10, 20 and 30 years ago. According to the U.S. Department of Justice and FBI, there were 5,950 crimes per 100,000 people in the United States in 1980. In 2007, the number of crimes lowered to 3,730. In 1980, 597 out of 100,000 were violent crimes such as rape, murder, robbery and assault, which lowered to 467 in 2007. Most people (including children) are safer today than they were when I was a kid. I teach my classes to be critical but not cynical. Questioning what one sees or hears on television, on the Internet and from friends and family creates a critical thinker who learns to discern fact from fiction. Researching the truth behind common beliefs or disbeliefs often surprises my students and changes the way they understand their world. Let me offer a few "known" truths and challenge you to research the real truth.
Too much sugar makes a child hyperactive.Going outside on a cold day without a coat causes a child to catch the cold.
Most abused children become abusive adults.Patients whose brains are surgically split down the middle survive and function much as they did before the surgery.
Lie detection tests often lie.Why the misinformation and disbelief of a safer world? Why do we protect our children as if they are fragile, farm-fresh eggs about to break if mishandled? We protect our kids because we love our children and wish to keep them safe. Keeping children safe does not mean hiding them from a perceived evil world and teaching them to be fearful of every stranger and situation. Keeping our kids safe means teaching them what do to if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Kids are resilient and learn from exploration.
Information overload makes us believe the world is much more dangerous than it really is. On slow news days, local newscasters search the world for worthy entertainment. A fire in Bismarck, murder in Shreveport or car chase in Los Angeles makes our local newscast important, meaningful and titillating. Seeing news stories with human drama causes many to say, "Look at how the world has changed," when in reality, the world has not changed; only the viewer's perspective of the world has changed.Allowing kids to have a scavenger hunt in their neighborhood at night is analogous to a mother allowing her toddler to venture out of his mother's reach to explore his surroundings. Kids need freedom to explore and feel safe. Offering family safety rules and curfews allow this freedom. Teaching a child to fear the world creates an anxious child who struggles to take chances and explore.
Safety rules and curfews keep a parent in control of their child's safety. If a child stays out past curfew or breaks a family rule, the child's freedom is temporarily taken away. The child quickly learns to follow family rules if they wish to keep their freedom.Children need to play and require freedom to learn self-reliance. Teaching kids expectations when freedom is allowed creates a child who understands right from wrong and the child is then allowed to succeed or fail. Offering a child a chance to fail in a safe and supportive way helps a kid learn their place in life, and that failure is not catastrophic but something to learn from.
Bill Rutherford is a psychotherapist, public speaker, elementary school counselor, adjunct college psychology instructor and executive chef, and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please e-mail him at bprutherford@hotmail.com and check out www.foodforthoughtcda.com.
Rutherford
Food for Thought