Why is your child exploding?
When our children act out or misbehave, we ask, "Is my child normal; do other children act this way; am I a bad parent?" Yes, your child is normal and no, you are not a bad parent! All children act out, scream, yell, misbehave and embarrass their parents. It's their job! The question is, what do you do when your child is different?
When one determines their child is different, their world changes. They tend to blame society, a divorce, working too many hours, not spending quality time with the child, or not being nurturing. Blaming creates family dysfunction and resolves nothing. Resolution is the answer!
When acting out turns into an emotionally explosive child, the child and family needs help. All kids throw temper tantrums, cry, stomp their feet and scream mean hurtful things at their parents. This is normal.
When a child throws a tantrum they are developmentally learning their place in the world and are trying techniques to examine what is appropriate and what will get them punished. Punishment will extinguish behavior and reward will reinforce behavior.
When a child becomes so angry and out of control they cannot be calmed, the child is emotionally explosive.
When a child has uncontrolled or inappropriate explosions we need to ask ourselves three questions:
1. Is there a biological issue at hand?
2. Are they exploding to seek attention?
3. Are they exploding to gain power or control?
The answer to these questions tells me as a therapist what to do. First, rule out biological issues. Have your child fully assessed by a psychologist and medical doctor. The assessments will determine if the child has an organic disorder - Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), food allergies, hormonal issues, heart and respiratory issues or has depression, anxiety or autism.
If a child is seeking attention, we need to tell the kid to stop, never negotiate, set rules and stick with them - always! It is paramount the parent void emotion when setting rules or guidelines. Always hold true to consequences and never waiver. The kid will eventually learn that negative attention is not good.
At the same time, we need to praise positive behavior and teach that positive behavior gains more rewards than negative behavior. Children crave positive adult interaction. Playing a game, going for ice cream, eating dinner together will reward the child and is fun for the adult. Reward always works better than punishment!
Is the action to gain power? This is the toughest and most serious issue. If a child feels powerless and feels the need to explode to gain power, the parent has huge changes to make.
If a child feels powerless, it is usually due to an authoritative parenting style or the parent's discipline style - severely disciplining or being an overly controlling parent.
If a child feels powerless, they explode to people who control them and take away their power. They also act out to people who support them and are kind to them - kids, dogs, grandparents and teachers. They search for ways to have control in their life.
The long-term effect of power seekers is the development of coping mechanisms to control their life, which develop into psychological personality disorders - serious stuff!
Try do discover why your child is exploding. If it is happening infrequently, your kid is probably just being a kid and pushing limits. If it is happening weekly or daily, think deeply about the reason this is happening and ask teachers, family and friends what they think. The answers might surprise you.
Bill Rutherford is a psychotherapist, public speaker, elementary school counselor, adjunct college psychology instructor and executive chef, and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please e-mail him at bprutherford@hotmail.com and check out www.foodforthoughtcda.com.