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The dying are our teachers

by SHOLEH PATRICK
| February 3, 2010 8:00 PM

From infancy through death comes a never-ending stream of opportunities to learn. The fewer missed, the fuller is life. Death - dying - can offer the most valuable lessons, yet it's the most ardently avoided. "The ancients used to say that those who considered their own death found insight and wisdom to enrich their living. Most will acknowledge that the dying need our help, but few can imagine that the dying can teach us." - Grant McLean, Spiritual Care Coordinator at Hospice of North Idaho. Many ancient cultures believed so. They revered the dying, creating a community around them not out of a sole sense of charity, but of opportunity. They saw the dying as having a special wisdom, one the living valued highly.Dying and living in synchronicity. It's hard to watch someone die, especially someone you love. When a life fortunate to be long and full nears its end, the body can be especially brutal. Organs fail. There is often constant discomfort, pain, nausea. A feeling of loss of dignity. Frustration at loss of control. Fears. Regrets.And review. Nothing is more emotionally humbling than the process of dying, so the dying become very honest with themselves. As they shift away from daily life they tend to frankly share what they learned from life, and are learning from death. These nuggets can be instructive, if one is fortunate to be nearby.Caring for dying relatives changed my life. Not just while consuming it - it was full-time job - but permanently. Yes, it was emotionally and physically draining. Every time I thought about that I felt guilty (who was I to complain? I wasn't the one dying), which added its own stress for me, and for the dying. Next time, I will be free of that. Fighting what's natural is unwise.What I thought at first was a gift to others, an act of love or charity, I learned was a gift to me. My quality of life is improved, my maturity increased, because I learned how to live better, more efficiently. I learned from their life reviews mistakes not to repeat, things not to leave unsaid, values not to lose sight of. I learned how to die, and how not to die. To maximize the experience by focusing on time left, instead of wasting it in stress, regret, or fear. I learned how little the opinions of others matter.The dying know it's the unmasked opinion of self that matters. Most of all, I became more determined to let go of so many things which commonly consume daily life, and got better at doing so. Rarely do these matter in the end.Life, and death, are too precious to waste. Sholeh Patrick, who borrowed this headline from Dr. Paul Weil of HONI, is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. E-mail sholehjo@hotmail.com.