On tap: President Obama will turn water into wine
<p>Press Illustration A woman, who prefers to remain anonymous, fills a glass of wine from the tap in her Coeur d'Alene home Monday while sampling the red wine that could be available through a new government bill aimed at easing the stress on Americans during the recession. The Coeur d'Alene home was one of a handful across the nation to take part in a preliminary test of President Obama's plan.</p>
WASHINGTON, D.C. - If President Obama can't end the recession, he's determined to do the next best thing: Help Americans forget about it for a few hours.
In a 1,493-page draft of HB0.08, the president outlines a stimulus package that assures not just massive waste, but massive numbers of Americans getting wasted. In the Senate, similar legislation is being called The Bottoms Up Bill.
From 6 a.m. to 4 p.m. April 15, water to every tap and fountain in the U.S. will be turned off, according to the bill. Instead, wine will flow from all warm water taps and beer from the cold taps. Fountains or other devices with only a button or one handle will provide the drinker a mixture of wine and beer.
"Happy days are here again," President Obama exclaimed before an enthusiastic crowd of beer and wine distributors yesterday in Milwaukee.
At an estimated cost of $686 trillion, President Obama's plan would create one job in every town and city in the U.S. However, he noted, the job would last only a day or two and probably wouldn't pay much.
"But these individuals will be providing a great service to their country," the president said. "Somebody's gonna have to clean up all the vomit."
Beulah Blabberbutt, president of All Fun Is Sinful (AFIS), condemned the proposal on Glenn Limbaugh's national radio program this morning.
"This is morally despicable and an outrageous waste of taxpayer dollars," she shouted. "Further, it's patently unfair. I don't have a working tap in my home."
Criticism came from other quarters, too.
"I don't care if it is free," said Billy Burpp of Hayden. "If that pathetic excuse of a president don't put Budweiser in my tap, I'm gonna be (expletive) (expletive)."
Asked what he'd do if Budweiser is the king of beers on April 15, Burpp belched and said, "Best (expletive) president of all time."
For all the free wine and beer you can drink on April 15, citizens are urged to call 1-800-