EDITORIAL: Inspired by a super school applicant

Dear Boss:

I’m inspired by the courageous and creative bid by Branden Durst to take over the West Bonner School District as superintendent. It’s kind of cool and remarkable that Durst isn’t even remotely qualified to run a public school district, yet there he was at the front of the hiring line.

As anyone following North Idaho College’s story knows, the trick is to simply get a majority of a board to say “aye,” and that he was able to do so initially stirs the embers of hope in the hearts of all of us who aspire to greater things but are, like Durst, completely unsuited for the actual job.

To make me more attractive to you as a promotable and payable — highly payable, one might imagine — employee, I have jettisoned my principles like a load of waste from a speeding RV’s holding tank, sent a check for $5 to the Idaho Freedom Foundation, and immersed myself (free time, of course, not at work) (well, mostly not at work) (OK, mostly at work, but it was a bit slow anyway) in podcasts and posts from the furthest right nut jobs I could find.

This honest pursuit of higher pay and benefits brings me to the actual request. Again, I applaud Mr. Durst for paving the way to more equitable employer-employee relationships, so when you deem it appropriate, no later than Monday, I hope, please triple my pay and agree that I deserve the following essentials (the word “perks” sounds somewhat unsavory):

• Free legal counsel for my wife (once she’s out of prison, of course)

• 26 weeks paid vacation (with bonuses)

• A $3,500 monthly housing allowance (have you seen rent prices lately? Geez!)

• A $1,000 monthly car allowance (with my credit history, I’m looking at 48% interest, so a grand will get me little better than a beater)

• Free meals wherever I want them — limited to Idaho. I would pay half of all meals outside Idaho unless I don’t like the food (after eating it).

• Allow me to work remotely from the bar across the street (their Wi-Fi is awesome)

• My office chair raised 12 inches above other chairs in the office

• You starting each morning by saying something nice about me to others

That’s it — a short list that I’m sure you’ll find completely doable.

Have a nice day, unless you tell me no. Then may the hounds of hell chase you for the rest of your miserable, worthless life or I'm elected president of the United States, whichever comes first.

Sincerely,

Mikey in Marketing