Holiday house of dangers

We tried so hard to keep it clean. Our hubris became our undoing.

On Christmas Eve, my wife and I felt confident, as we had done almost all the present wrapping, in the hopes that we might get a good night’s sleep before Christmas morning.

Our four kids settled into bed at about 9:30 p.m. (not bad). Feeling good about our work at the beginning of the week, we got a little extra motivated.

“What if we clean up a bit tonight so we start with a clean slate tomorrow? If it’s clean now, it won’t be as hard to keep it clean during all the presents.”

Foolishness.

We kept finding things to clean. Dirty dishes kept appearing, a blanket on the floor revealed a pile of random toys, a kids bookcase tumbled over. The rug in the living room suddenly looked like the carpet of a cheap motel room near the beach. The floor seemed clean in one light, then several stains suddenly appeared once we turned on another.

On the plus side, we had holiday episodes of “The Office” playing in the background, and we squeezed all the Michael Scott episodes in before the clock struck 12. “EEEEEEEEEYANKEEE SWAP!”

But we cleaned for too long. After midnight, we realized we needed to wrap the last of the presents. We couldn’t find a key gift. We forgot to wrap an important component inside another present.

We settled into bed at 2 a.m. I couldn’t fall asleep until after 3 (thanks for the rabbit hole, “Saturday Night Live” Christmas skits on YouTube).

Then at 5 a.m., I woke to the sound of rustling children downstairs. We instructed them to stay in their rooms until 8 a.m., though they yelled and giggled with excitement at a volume that prevented us from falling back asleep. At one point, my boys were bouncing a giant rubber ball against the ceiling of their room, which our bedroom sits directly above.

I wanted to explode. But it’s Christmas. No yelling on Christmas.

Anyway, working on under two hours of sleep, we began Christmas Day in a clean living room and kitchen. It did not last until noon. Who decided to get all these presents?! Who decided to have so many kids?!

Several days later, I’m still stepping over Barbie doll accessories, books, Pop It fidget toys, Minecraft toy blocks and several of those little ties that frustratingly shackled all their new toys into the packaging. It’s a minefield of sharp plastic all throughout my house, and the Roomba is currently blocked from his charger by a Paw Patrol tower.

The kitchen … bah, I just gave up. We busted out the paper plates and utensils for the rest of the break. Meals now consist of microwavable leftovers, cookies and deli meat.

One day, maybe in mid-January, the house will exit Christmas Disaster mode and return to the normal, more manageable mess that provides just mid-tier daily stress.

Anyway, the kids had an incredible, magic Christmas, and I would do it all for them again. I just need about 12 months of recovery time.

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Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 4-10. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.