The stay-at-home dad: Christmas present, as told from the past

Greetings from the past,

As I write this article on Dec. 19, I want to test my soothsaying abilities. Call me a huckster; call me a fraud. But I’m telling you, I know my Christmas future.

With my youngest now 4 years old, I think I have a pretty good idea of how Christmas with four kids goes each year. On the night of Christmas, I plan on taking out this article and checking each and every one of the following predictions. Then come catch me on the road next year as I take my mind-reading act to various carnivals and state fairs around the country.

This Christmas week:

1) On Dec. 20, each of my three school-age children will make some sort of comment about what they would be doing if it were a normal school day.

2) On Dec. 21, I will pick-up my online grocery order, and it will contain at least 23 substitutions or omissions. Instead of a maple-covered ham, I will receive some less-delicious coating.

3) On Dec. 22, my 10-year-old daughter will ask me to help her with some Christmas craft. I won’t have time for it, and I won’t be skilled enough to complete it anyway.

4) On the night of Dec. 22, I’ll want to watch the new “Matrix” movie on HBO Max but won’t because of all the wrapping left to do.

5) On Dec. 23, I will be mending at least three cuts on my hand, not because of any wrapping or food prep, but because I didn’t apply enough moisturizer while carting presents to and from the dry, cold garage. Actually, better make it four cuts, because I already have one now and it hurts to type.

6) On Dec. 24, my kids will complain about not watching enough Christmas movies before Christmas. So we will watch one, then they’ll decide to watch “Encanto” on Disney Plus instead of a second Christmas movie, because look, a new movie!

7) Also on Dec. 24, my kids will go to bed at least two hours later than my wife and I intended.

8) Also on Dec. 24, we will forget to leave out cookies and milk for Santa. Don’t worry, at least two kids will get out of bed to remind us.

9) Collectively, my four kids will log at least 60 hours of Minecraft play before Christmas Day.

Now for some Christmas Day predictions:

1) Christmas Day for Mom and Dad will start early. As in, we’ll still be wrapping presents and “getting ready” well after midnight.

2) I will fall asleep no earlier than 2 a.m. Not really a prediction — that’s basically my bedtime these days.

3) We will tell our kids that nobody gets out of bed (exceptions for potty breaks) until at least 7 a.m. Nevertheless my boys will wake me up before the clock strikes 6 a.m.

4) The boys will be told to go to their rooms until 7 a.m. We will still officially begin Christmas morning before 6:45 a.m.

5) We will eat cinnamon rolls (though probably off brand because of a grocery order substitution). However, we will not eat them in the morning, because my wife and I won’t pull them out of the fridge/freezer early enough.

6) I will have some degree of an anxiety attack. It won’t be prompted by anything specific, but it will happen. Because it happens every year. I’ll be sure to have my medication at the ready this time.

7) My wife and I will talk about opening a bottle of wine early in the day or, gasp!, discuss drinking two bottles of wine before the end of the day. But we will only have one, after it gets dark, and we won’t even finish the bottle.

8) I’ll be conservative and guess that at least two kids will sob-cry at some point.

9) I will need to mend at least one other cut on my hand (this time as a result of ripping open toy packaging).

10) I’ll be conservative and say that at least three kids will yell at a sibling about just “touching” one of their own presents.

11) There will be a technical issue with some new electronic device.

12) We won’t have the correct batteries for at least one present.

13) I’ll feel bad about not getting my wife anything for Christmas, despite her insistence that I not buy her anything for Christmas.

14) I’ll buy her something on Amazon that she’ll open on Dec. 28.

15) The kids will go to bed at least two hours after bedtime.

16) I will be completely exhausted every hour of the day, then still not go to bed before 2 a.m.

Bonus predictions for Dec. 26:

• At least two of my kids will tell me they’re “bored.”

• The kids will spend more time playing “Minecraft” than using their new presents.

• I will take an afternoon nap. It will be the best late Christmas present ever.

• • •

Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home dad to four kids, ages 4-10. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.