It hath no fuzzy

Hell hath no (polite, mild-mannered) fury like a crafter scorned (or sort of inconvenienced).

If you are ever tempted to think (woe to you for the foolish thought) that the day after Black Friday is a sufficiently tempered shopping day, let me save you the trouble and suggest skipping Smoky-grey Saturday. And if you are twice as tired and drained of thought, let me suggest a little more emphatically that you stay away from craft stores on the biggest discount weekend of the year. Or frankly, any time after Thanksgiving.

The aisles will be packed. There are at least three to an aisle at any time. Last weekend I navigated a full 10 down the central aisle of JOANN Fabric and Crafts. As the yarn-happy among you can guess, it’s exhausting. First you have to politely wait for someone to pass by the skeins you’re looking for. But then, inevitably, they take a shine to the baby yarn, too, so you have to feign interest in the polyester travesty of a hank in front of you until they pass by. And when you’ve all been emailed discounts? Yup, you’re ALL browsing. Everyone and their grandmother is giving the rows of acrylics and merino a careful perusal of gentle excitement. You can almost see the considerately concealed inconvenience as a crowd of crocheters wait to handle the merchandise.

“Go ahead.” “It’s fine, I’m just looking around.” The tension in the air is higher than that on a newbie’s needle.

I hope for your sake they aren’t out already if your intended skein. (But if you had been thinking clearly, you would have realized that was the case. If you want it, so does everyone else.)

And I didn’t dare the sewing section.

The staff is more than capable, but with dozens of beads, pieces and tiny decorations taking up deceptively small places in the basket, lines are longer than they appear.

I hope for your sake you’re a coffee drinker, but I recommend half-caf in your cup at most. As you feel your hairs turning greyer — it happens faster to crafters, not from stress, but simply because we were all born a cheery 60 years old at heart, and our bodies like to catch up with the soul — you’ll quickly sip yourself into a buzz, with no way to let out steam until the line moves.

It won’t.

Still, the outing is not without its charms. If you’re desperate enough to search for fabric, you won’t access anything near the register, but you’ll get more assistance than you could have thought to ask for. Simply say the words, “I’m looking for a black fabric,” and the whole will take up your quest. Black yardage with kitties in little Santa hats? Holly on an onyx background? Skulls and crossbones spied two aisles away? We’ve got you covered. And when you’ve moved on we’ll continue the familiarization with the offerings and comment on the better items. And with some 20 spied choices of snowflakes on colored fields, there will be plenty to discuss.

If you've braved the storm, I wish you the best — and a full work basket. May you be spared a stock-up until January.