The stay-at-home dad: The 3-year-old makes me a liar
Just when you think you understand how your kids operate, they do something totally unpredictable.
Last week I wrote about my year-long efforts to give my 3-year-old a haircut. No matter the explanation, no matter the bribe, the kid would not go anywhere near the hair clipper. I thought the situation was hopeless.
I turned in the article on Monday morning. He decided to get his haircut on Monday afternoon.
Kids make liars out of parents all the time. The second we say, “Oh, my kid always does THIS,” they will go and do the complete opposite.
It happens often with food. For instance, if a grandparent is feeding the kids and asks, “Does (BLANK) like hamburgers?” and you answer, “YES,” that kid probably won’t eat a single bite of the prepared hamburger.
“I thought you said they liked hamburgers?”
“Yes, well, they also like making Dad look like a fool.”
Kids actively work to pit parents against each other too. Another example: A kid is refusing to do something, and your spouse comes in and asks you, “Did you try this with them?” If you answer “Of course I tried that. I tried that several times,” then without fail your spouse will try the thing and the kid will do it right away.
It’s (expletive deleted) infuriating.
Back to the haircut. My oldest son and I decided to get our hair buzzed (by Mom), and, like every time, we asked our 3-year-old if he wanted a haircut as well. He ALWAYS says, “No. No haircut. I keep, I keep.”
This time, however, as if he knew I just finished an article about his stubbornness, his answer changed. “I get haircut. I buzz. I no cry.”
My older son and I went first, and we kept checking in to make sure the little guy still wanted the haircut after seeing Dad and his brother lose (almost) all their hair.
“I get haircut. I no cry.”
So my wife sits him down, wraps his shoulders in a towel and flips on the buzzer. Just as she’s about to clip the first strands of hair, the little guy panics.
“No cut. No cut. No, no, no.”
But we’re soooooooo close. His bangs go down well below his eyes and we just can’t let him keep running into things. I don’t care if he makes me a liar. We’re never going to get him sitting down so close to this buzzer ever again.
Me: “You want Skittles? I’ll give you Skittles if you hold still.”
He likes Skittles. I mean, he really likes Skittles. Actually, every Good American probably likes Skittles, but if anything is going to get this kid through the first buzz, it’s going to be a little taste of the rainbow.
So I hold his arms down with one hand and shove a couple Skittles into his mouth with my other hand while my wife takes the first swoop of the buzzer across the top of his head. We figured once he realized the buzzer doesn’t hurt that he would be fine sitting through the rest of the haircut. He was fine, but every few seconds he’d wiggle and shout, “MORE SKITTLES!” Fair enough, kid.
After the first 80 or so candies, we left him with a pretty sweet mullet for a few minutes while we searched for the emergency Skittles stash (those are Daddy’s Skittles, but I made an exception this time). Now he’s got a super short, handsome-looking cool guy haircut, and he’s spent the last several days rubbing the top of his head with pride.
“I brave. I brave. I have fuzzy head.”
Now if we can just get him to poop consistently in the toilet. Ooh, I have an idea!
Declarative, currently factual statement: My 3-year-old son refuses to poop in the toilet. He will hold it for days and beg for a pull-up when he can’t hold it anymore.
There. Make me a liar, kid.
Tyler Wilson is a freelance writer and stay-at-home parent to four kids, ages 3-9. He is tired. He can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com. This column was not sponsored by Skittles, but if Skittles is reading, please send Skittles.