Not so spectacular

They say humankind is really spectacular. At least, that’s one of the things they like to say in grade schools.

It may just be the kind of propaganda that has the dolphins rolling their eyes –err, fins?—as if humans with their tiny, weak forms would be top of the food chain, they trill. I mean, c’mon, they think flips are so hard people get medals for them. Can you even imagine? They squeak-laugh in derision.

Or maybe it’s a little white lie. After all who wants to let a kid down? No one wants to be the one to tell Timmy who’s still figuring out how to stop wetting the bed that we’re not even the top of the food chain. Yeah, hun, humans are the kings of the animals. No, you cannot take toys from Leah.

Maybe it’s pure pride, or wishful thinking – or even manifestation.

If we say we’re top dog often enough, it’ll probably, sort of, maybe come true. It’s worth a shot.

And when you manage to drag yourself off your lazy bum and do the unthinkable – 100 squats, a nice warrior pose series, jogging a mile (please let me have this, Ironpeople and Ironman trainees) – it’s hard not to feel like the demigods of a by-gone era.

Surely the shaking in your calves and burning in your chest is proof that you’re actually a superbeing, not fully mortal… worthy of the reward-cookies you chow down on afterward.

So maybe it’s benign self-delusion happening en masse.

But still, it’s hard not to question this idea. I’m not saying I don’t have pride in human beings.

We have come up with some pretty great stuff. I really like that food production progressed into baking – and that includes the fine art of pizza-making. I’m a big fan of heaters and permanent shelters. Computers that let your neighborhood writers drone on and on. Oh, and modern medicine is a pretty sweet deal, I have to say.

But at the same time this is the species that willingly put leeches on their own bodies for a disturbing amount of time.

Surely most species would figure out anything that attaches itself to you and hurts is BAD, not medicine.

I’m no expert on animal communication systems, but I’m pretty sure they all have a way to say “THIS IS REAL, REAL BAD, GUYS” and “OH YEAH, THIS STUFF’S THE BEST”.

(I’m sure it’s in capitals because I expect most animals are clear communicators. One would think ‘danger’ and ‘delicious’ have got to be pretty easily conveyed for species survival.)

We’re also the species that’s put gold flakes in food. And we probably all agree a few fashions and fads have not been entirely necessary.

Most of all, we do these…ridiculous things.

We walk into rooms only to realize we have no idea why we got up at all. We trip over our own feet. We forget to floss even though experts insist that it’s an easy way to improve gum health (okay maybe that one is just me; sorry, Doc).

If we’re supposed to be at the top of the pyramid – one we kind of made up ourselves – the bar must be a little lower than “god-like,” or at least forgiving.

I’m just saying, I’m skeptical of this whole top-of-the-food-chain business.

But of course, I have reasons to be grumpy about the fallibility of man.

When you forget your sunscreen for an all-day outdoor excursion and come back looking like a crustacean (as my partner so lovingly informed me), you tend to get cynical.

Plus, I’d rather not be alone in this not-so-perfect-after-all thing.

Then again, why take the word of a crustacean? We’re not exactly at the top of the food chain.