A word to those who loved Troy

The recent tragic loss of Troy Schueller, much loved husband, father, teacher, high school principal, mentor, son, friend, and more can never be fully understood! I know this because we lost our son, Michael, to depression and suicide close to 16 years ago. In many cases, like my son’s, the cause of death is not made public, so not everyone knew.

The cause of Troy’s death was made very public due in part to his school leadership position. I can only imagine how hard that has been for his family, adding even more heartache and frustration to the emotional upheaval and sadness! I do commend the newspaper for focusing on this inspiring man’s life and all the wonderful things he has done instead of the tragedy of how he died.

For Troy’s family and close friends, though, the shock, the pain, the being at a loss to understand it, the terrible sadness and the guilt about what might have prevented this will go on for a long time … I know. And on top of that there’s the harsh reality he is gone and he’s not coming back.

Yet, I want Troy’s loved ones to know there is HOPE. It may not seem like it right now, but little by little joy will return to their lives. There is no one to blame for what happened and in time the good memories and happy times will be what matters.

My daughter set up an “In Memory Of …” page on Facebook. Every year on my son’s birthday and the anniversary of his passing, friends and family post photos and share stories and fun memories. This has been of great comfort through the years. Also, personally, reading books and publications written by others with similar tragedies has helped me know I am not alone.

The support of family and friends is essential through this awful grief and I know there are those who don’t know what to say, but that doesn’t matter because all that is needed is to listen. Sometimes the grieving family or friend doesn’t want to talk or is not yet ready to. But, there are so many other ways to give support by offering to go for a walk with them, taking them to lunch, even just visiting for a while, or simply by saying, “I know you are hurting and nothing will change that right now. I want to be there for you; please give me something to do to try to help a little.”

I also found the right “someone” who I could really air it all out with so I did not keep all the anger and pain bottled up. So I do encourage those people who know and care about Troy’s family to be sure his surviving loved ones are getting that, too, whether it’s a caring friend, counselor, or minister. I also know that each person in a family has to mourn in his/her own way so it helps to respect that and give each other his/her own space and time.

I think that when someone we love dies from suicide it is much more difficult to talk about than a death from many other illnesses. You can’t say they bravely fought their disease … even though many people do battle their depression. There is still a stigma which persists with all types of mental illness, and society has been very slow in acknowledging these as legitimate diseases and in financing their treatments. I remain hopeful that this will change, particularly as scientists and researchers learn more about our brains, particularly seeing the differences when a mentally ill person’s brain is scanned.

I also hope that the people of our community will continue to be there to lovingly support the family and friends of Troy Schueller. Each one of them will need to be acknowledged for the loss of someone so important to their lives. And as time goes by they need to hear the caring things, the funny things, the stories, and all the great things that will keep the best memories of him alive. God bless.

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Peggy Sorenson is a Hayden resident.