ASK ME ANYTHING

Press readers are invited to send questions — about anything and everything; the weirder, the better — to former Coeur d’Alene resident and Hollywood comedy writer Tom Neuhoff. Send your questions to: tomlaughing@yahoo.com

Here’s this week’s chief offenders.

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Question: Monday’s column, “Pesky Pub Poltergeist,” about the ghost in Kelly’s Irish Pub rattled me. I can relate to the pub co-owner, Meg Sullivan, getting hit in head by a flying clock. After a dozen shots at Kelly’s, I swear I’ve seen that clock move across the wall. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stumbled home from that pub only to wake up my wife, who was sound asleep. I’m one more night at Kelly’s from divorce. Last night, to make matter worse, I stepped on the cat next to our bed. The next morning I woke up with a lump on the back of my head the size of a goiter and broken pieces of the plate my mother gave us for a wedding present all around the bed. My mother and wife never did get along. My wife claims the ghost from Kelly’s must have followed me home and hit me with the plate. Do you think Kelly’s ghost followed me home? I’m worried about stumbling home again because my mother also gave us a fondue pot. — Anonymous

Answer: I was so interested in your story that I sent a team of the best poltergeist hunters to investigate Kelly’s Irish Pub. That was three days ago and all I’ve seen so far is a huge bar tab. There were some photos on Facebook that looked more like an audition for “The Apprentice” than an Irish pub but I’m not judging. While I do believe in ghosts, my gut feeling is that shards of your mother’s broken plate is something of a red flag. I’m not a marriage counselor but your wife is obviously very unhappy with your drunken escapades. Or dearly loves that cat. Or both.

Question: Hi Tom. My question is, Did WW2 German prisoners on U.S. soil receive food parcels from Germany? – Dale J.

Answer: After researching this thoroughly I cannot find any proof that these German POWs received food parcels from Germany or even needed them. This is a quote from a German POW in America during WWII: “When I was captured I weighed 128 pounds. After two years as an American POW weighed 185. I had gotten so fat you could no longer see my eyes.” That pretty much describes my health right now. German POWs in America had it better than half of the people in Van Nuys right now. But that’s America for you.

Question: The Indians are protesting the pipeline in ND. The neighbors at the protesting site are missing their cattle. They say that the Indians are killing and eating them. How many cattle a day would it take to feed the protesters? – Mary K.

Answer: I don’t know about you but two Whoppers is all I can handle for one day. Have you ever lived in North Dakota? How do you know the cattle weren’t simply running away to Canada? No matter where you and I stand on this issue, aren’t we lucky to be living in a country where we can protest without being in the crosshairs of a government sniper? Try protesting a pipeline in North Korea. Or in front of Trump Tower.

Question: This is a question which has bothered me for years. Now that we are deep into football season, I’m turning to you for an answer.

I realize, while watching a game, the honorable thing is to wear your team’s colors. For example, when supporting our Seahawks, we don Action Green, College Navy and Wolf Gray.

But here’s my burning question: What color of underwear should I wear: the Seahawks’ colors, or those of the opposing team? And, is the answer different if we use Chipotle for football-watching snacks?

Thank you for your insight. — Charlie P. Dalton Gardens

Answer: I grew up 50 miles from Green Bay. My aunt and uncle lived across the street from Lambeau. Nonetheless, Seattle is my favorite big city. I lived there after graduating from the University of British Columbia. Love the clam chowder. I never even heard about Mexican food until I was in the Air Force and stationed in California. I cannot handle spicy food. I would strongly recommend if you are eating spicy Chipotle during any football game to forgo underwear entirely and rely instead on adult diapers. It works for me. But then I have a sensitive digestive system. As for your choice of whether to wear Seahawks or the other team’s color of underwear, I would suggest donning both because you never know when a bonked field goal from just 28 yards decides the final score.

Question: I loved Thursday’s article “A walk through history” by Devin Heilman. The class of 1959 sure seemed to have their priorities straight with an appreciation of all those who have sacrificed for this amazing country. Do you ever visit your old high school?

Answer: I used to visit my high school in Chilton, Wis. (Population: 3,500) but they tore it down and built a new one on the other side of town. I don’t know about you but I vividly remember my first day in high school. Walking up the stairs to the third floor, I saw a small group of seniors huddled around a locker. They looked so old. A couple of them even had mustaches! A few drove their own cars. I am now old enough to be their grandfather. How many of you can relate to this experience?