Posted: Thursday, Jul 17, 2008 - 10:33:58 pm PDT
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Tyler Wilson

This 'Batman' stinks

Chances are I already rushed out to see "The Dark Knight" today. I wish I could tell you how much I loved it, but film critics in North Idaho don't get the privilege of attending advance screenings.

But wait! Don't go reading some overpaid hack on Rotten Tomatoes just yet. I'm about to write something totally hip and original...

Actually, I'm not. This minimum-wage-excuse-for-a-job has scraped away the final bits of my soul. Let's just phone it in and talk about a 20-year-old movie instead.

I used to really like Tim Burton's "Batman," starring Michael Keaton as the Caped Crusader and Jack Nicholson as the Joker. In anticipation of "The Dark Knight," I decided to watch the 1989 film again, if only to compare Nicholson to Heath Ledger's final performance.

Wow, what a terrible movie.

It's hard to blame Burton, a talented filmmaker with an eye for fun, hyper-stylized art direction. Now, the "Planet of the Apes" remake ... that was totally his fault.

And Michael Keaton, even with his goofy face, makes for a pretty good Batman. His Bruce Wayne lacks charm, but that's understandable considering the haircut. He's no Christian Bale, but go ahead and give him the bronze medal (with the silver going to Kevin Conroy of "Batman: The Animated Series" and the recent "Gotham Night" project).

Everybody loves Jack Nicholson, and his Joker is easily the best thing in "Batman." I won't hand out a medal just yet, not until I see Ledger in "Dark Knight." And anyway, I'd hate to spend several paragraphs defending the brilliance of Mark "Skywalker" Hamill in "The Animated Series."

My problem with "Batman" is the lazy screenplay. Though it avoids the hokey tone of the 1960s television series, it ignores the best elements of the Batman universe and makes no attempt to explore the plight of Bruce Wayne. We get a glimpse of his parents' murder but no context as to why he flies around the city in a giant rat costume.

The film even suggests that Wayne's "problems" can be solved by the love of a woman. Enter Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger), a trendy photographer with a fetish for reclusive billionaires. She sleeps with Wayne once, then expects him to "share his love" and his secrets.

You would think Alfred the Butler would know how to get rid of floozies like this, but no, Alfred keeps pushing Wayne to trust her, even though everybody knows you can't trust journalists.

Alfred is supposed to be Batman's most trusted confidant, but the old man can't even handle simple dinner arrangements. Who puts 20 feet of space between table settings for a two-person dinner?

And when Wayne lies to Vale about leaving town for a few days, Alfred tells her the truth. Come on man! Bros before ... well, you get the idea.

All that stuff is forgivable. An old man is prone to the occasional senior moment. But late in the film, he really drops the ball. He lets the chick right into the Batcave! That whole Batman-Bruce Wayne double-life thing... yeah... kind of supposed to be a secret, bub.

Honestly, the whole second half of the movie disappoints, and once Batman hops into his nifty Bat-jet, it's all over. How do you design a bulletproof Batsuit and Batmobile without applying similar logic to your aircraft?

As for that final battle in the church tower, I'm still baffled by the sudden appearance of a half dozen Joker thugs. Were they just hanging out on top of the building, waiting for Joker to show up? What if Batman crashed his jet near another building? Would there be Joker thugs hiding in that skyscraper, too?

I also hate how Batman looks like an out-of-shape oaf trudging up that church staircase. He stocks a grappling gun in his utility belt for a reason.

I'm nitpicking, of course. "Batman" is still much better than "Batman Returns," "Batman Forever" and especially "Batman & Robin."

It's just that Christopher Nolan's origin tale, "Batman Begins," is brilliant pop cinema. I don't feel like tolerating its mediocre predecessors anymore. Nolan treats the Bat universe with respect, and Michael Caine plays Alfred the Butler with strength, wit and compassion.

He'd whack you over the head with a golf club before letting you anywhere near the Batcave.

Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.