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| Tyler Wilson |
'Spartans' in for the kill
This past week, moviegoers in Coeur d'Alene could have seen four of the five Best Picture Oscar nominees. The fifth entry, "There Will Be Blood," was only 30 miles away.
Now I assume you all made a smart decision. I assume you had nothing to do with that robust box office showing for "Meet the Spartans." Because if you did, I don't think we can be friends anymore.
What is wrong with America? Between this and "Alvin and the Chipmunks" banking $200 million over the holiday season, I haven't seen such poor choices made by moviegoers since the one-two punch of "Ghost Rider" and "Wild Hogs" last year.
The hellish story of "Spartans" began two years ago, when teenage audiences made "Date Movie" a surprise box office hit. Now I can let the occasional blunder slide, but what happened with last year's "Epic Movie?" Didn't "Date Movie" give you some insight into how that one might go?
All three of these shameless films are courtesy of writer/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who are unofficially known as the luckiest guys in Hollywood. Only luck can explain how these people find ways to finance this garbage every year.
Here's some depressing statistics for you: According to boxofficemojo.com, the domestic gross for "Date Movie" was $48 million. "Epic Movie" made $39 million. Both had relatively small production budgets, which means both netted some serious cash.
Contrast those numbers with the work of Paul Thomas Anderson, the filmmaker behind multi-Oscar nominee "There Will Be Blood." All his numbers fall short:
"Hard Eight" - $222,000
"Boogie Nights" - $26 million
"Magnolia" - $22 million
"Punch-Drunk Love" - $17 million
"There Will Be Blood" - $15 million so far
Even adjusting for the rise in ticket prices can't get him over the hump. Sure, his movies don't really appeal to mainstream audiences (i.e. teenagers), but the comparison still appalls me.
Elsewhere, "No Country for Old Men" recently became Joel and Ethan Coen's top-grossing film. These guys have made several modern classics ("Fargo," "O' Brother Where Art Thou?"), yet their most successful film sits at just over $50 million.
Not bad, except when you remember Michael Bay's noisy "Transformers" banked more than $700 million worldwide.
Maybe I'm thinking too far outside the genre. It doesn't make sense to compare "Meet the Spartans," "There Will Be Blood" and "Transformers" because they all feed different types of audiences.
So let's make a more direct comparison. The musical/biopic spoof "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" grossed only $18 million during its brief run this past December. The film was co-written by Judd Apatow, the comedic mind behind "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up" (both $100 million plus box office performers). Even with strong reviews and proven talent, "Walk Hard" made less in its entire run than the opening weekend gross of "Meet the Spartans."
This. Cannot. Stand.
I would love to hear from someone who actually saw "Meet the Spartans" and liked it. I just want to understand. Please, for the sake of my sanity, help me see the light.
Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.
