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| Tyler Wilson |
The Art of Wakeboarding
I hate to burst bubbles here, but I must (almost always) divulge the truth.
I'm not a stud-muffin.
Nope, I'm not a beefy beast, contrary to what you might gather from that tiny little mug shot (occasionally blown to grotesque size on the web site--sorry).
I tell you this because I can wakeboard. To many, this isn't much of an accomplishment. But to me, a pathetic little weakling, it should be considered a monumental achievement.
You see, I don't actually know how to wakeboard. Beginners ask me how I stand up on the board, but I don't know what to tell them.
My best advice: Just pull yourself up. That's all I know. I strap on the death board, jump into Lake Coeur d'Alene, scream at the boat driver to "Hit it!" and I hang on to dear life. The boat propels forward and I use every ounce of energy and strength to lift myself out of the water.
That's right. I man up, stand up and board that wake. Or some of the time anyway. It helps to be dragged underwater a few times. Having your nostrils pierced by lake water will remove any smug overconfidence. You're not that awesome, Tyler.
Of course standing up on the board is only the beginning. You've got to stay up, riding a barrage of waves attempting to whack you from your unstable pedestal. Don't you wish the rich people would drive their ocean-liner size boats with their ocean-size waves on, I don't know, a freaking ocean?
I offer no advice to novices on how to stay balanced on the board. Just hang on and stay steady. I don't know how I do it. I can barely walk in a straight line without falling over.
The uncontrollable boozing might have something to do with it...
The key to successful wakeboarding is to look as cool as possible. All the skilled wakeboarders grab huge air and do back flips and whatnot, so all novices must at least attempt the same tricks. You will fall, and it will hurt. But I guarantee you it will look awesome.
By awesome, I don't mean wickedly cool like those expert wakeboarders. You will look like a failure, but you'll be a brave failure. People fail in life all the time, but very few life experiences provide an opportunity to be courageous at the same time.
Yes, there's something admirable in failing something most people are smart enough to not even attempt.
I have some good advice on landing wakeboard tricks. Just do what I do: Pull yourself outside the wake then slingshot back over it at top speed. At just the right moment, hoist your legs in the air as you speed across the crest of the wave.
It's basically impossible, but try it anyway.
Try not to just fall on your face. The trick is to use your face as a springboard for more tumbles. Make sure someone videotapes. Your near-spinal injury is a memory you'll never want to forget.
I can really only wakeboard for like six minutes. Those minutes result in excruciatingly sore arms, shoulders, back, legs, feet, hands and fingers. But then you can moan and groan for days, impressing people with your tales of bodacious wakeboard wipeouts.
Just don't use the word "bodacious." No need to ruin your courageous failure with the regular, everyday ones.
Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.
LA wrote on Aug 13, 2007 9:32 PM: