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| Marty Fortier |
Marty Fortier
Satan plans early marketing
ABODE OF THE DAMNED -- According to Lake of Fire Marketing, Hell's internal research department, recruitment to the "Dark Side" is up an astonishing 17 percent in 2004.
Spurred on by an increase in holiday vandalism, the cancellation of grade school Christmas programs, and the outright outlawing of Nativity scenes, a record number of mortals have qualified for entrance to Satan's kingdom.
"When Bush was re-elected in November, we were really worried that the Christian Right would hurt recruiting during our busy season. But we've got a great staff down here, and they really turned up the heat on humankind," said the Prince of Darkness.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, demons close to the Prince admitted that Satan himself expressed concern over an increase in church attendance, and spoke openly about a "chilling effect" throughout his evil empire. The unidentified demons, however, were quick in explaining that Hell was, in fact, not close to "freezing over."
Every year the Devil and his henchmen rely on Q4 recruiting to make up for slow condemnations in the first three quarters of the year. According to "The Tempter's Tale," the official newsletter of Hell, Nativity scenes are particularly important recruiting tools.
"Anyone willing to steal the baby Jesus, or even draw a mustache on the Christ figure, is an excellent candidate for eternal damnation," the newsletter reported.
Although vandalism of Christmas symbols is, and will remain, a critical "litmus test" of evil, the Prince of Darkness finds the recent trend toward the cancellation of school Christmas programs intriguing.
"The future of Hell is the children," Satan said. "We learned from the tobacco and alcohol companies that the earlier you market to children, the greater chance you have of generating brand loyalty. When you have a good product like Heaven, it's easy to sell. Trust me when I tell you it's much harder to put a pretty face on an afterlife filled with fire and brimstone."
Evil spirits advising the Devil refused to comment on the rumor that lawyers representing the creators of Joe Camel and Spuds McKenzie are, in fact, residents of Hell, and are currently engaged in negotiations to bring the advertising executives to Hell's in-house agency -- Lake of Fire Marketing.
Unconfirmed reports center around a long-term contract for the ad execs with promises of wealth, power and immortality. If the prominent ad men do a deal with the Devil, it's rumored their first order of business would be to "remake" Lucifer by introducing a cuddly, child-friendly stuffed animal caricature named Horney.
According to high-placed, reliable informants, Horney and his rapping sidekick, M.C. Pitchfork, will also be made into a Saturday morning cartoon and video game. Leaks from Hell -- assumed to be intentional -- describe the "Adventures of Horney and M.C. Pitchfork" as a "fun-loving but devilish prankster and his inner-city rap-artist sidekick engaging in harmless mischief like spreading famine, inciting war, stealing souls and pimpin' hos." Calls to Hell to confirm these rumors have gone unanswered.
News of the spike in recruitment to "the abyss" has sent representatives of the religious community scrambling.
"We have to rethink our entire approach. 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' just doesn't cut it anymore. It's ... it's ... it's not 'hip' or 'sexy' like the seven deadly sins," said Pope John Paul II. "We've got 'humility' and 'trust' and they've got 'pride' and 'envy.'
"Today kids are into 'anger' and 'avarice,' not 'love' and 'generosity.' 'Sadness' gets more attention than 'happiness,' 'gluttony' blows away 'self control,' and 'lust,' well, 'lust' speaks for itself."
While both sides vie for the souls of man, one thing seems to be crystal clear: As the attacks on the celebration of Christmas intensify, Hell's future is hotter than ever.
For more information on Hell, Hades, Lake of Fire, Satan's Kingdom or eternal damnation, contact The Prince of Darkness at 666-EVIL or at his Web site: soul_stealer@eternaltorment.org/onlineregistration.
Marty Fortier barely escaped a lifetime sentence in the cutthroat world of big city advertising and marketing. He currently operates a business, writes, and referees his children's fights from his home office somewhere in North Idaho. Marty Fortier can be reached at mbfortier@icehouse.net.
