Fortier
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| Marty Fortier |
ABC, take my wife... Please
Reality TV becomes fantasy
just don't understand why "reality shows" are so popular. When I sit down in front of the boob tube after another tough day at the keyboard, the last thing I'm looking for is more reality. How about a little fantasy? Fantasy, yeah, you know ... like wife swapping.
Give it up. That will never happen. Oh sure you can strand people on an island with nothing but coconuts, insects, the clothes on their backs and a two-hundred person film crew, but no network is going to promote "swinging" ... right?
Guess again elk breath. The good people at ABC have come up with a new reality series called "Wife Swap." And they are actually looking for a family from Idaho who wants to play. Eureka! I've been trying to figure out a way to trade-in my wife ever since she became a radical feminist, refused to wash my underwear, and stopped shaving her arm pits. It's awful I tell ya; it's like sleeping with Coco the chimp.
So look no further ABC, I've got a wife I'd like to swap. Of course, if I'm gonna get a good trade-in, I've gotta pretty-up the old lady; make her look like a real "prize." I doubt they'll give me a smokin' hardbody for a founding member of the "Over the Hill Gang."
I've gotta turn my wife's many negative qualities into positive ones; and I've gotta do it fast. I need someone to help me spin the facts ... someone who can think fast and doesn't mind bending the truth a bit. I need ... I need ... JAMES CARVILLE! That's it, I'll call Jimmy and see if he can help.
Ring, ring. "Hyllo."
"Hi Jim, this is Marty Fortier."
"Maudy, Maudy Fo-tee-ay?" "Maudy Fo-tee-ay, the famous columnist?" "The one wit da horrible wife?
"Yeah Jimmy, it's me and I need your help. I'm hopin' to get on ABC and swap Kay with Britney Spears, but I need you to help me spin the facts."
"Well, ya ser-tin-lee have come to da right place. But be quick 'bout it, I gotta skee-daddle over to CNN and convince the Amurican peoples dat George Bush and Hal-ee-burton are plannin' a suppa secret invasion of Oudda Mongolia."
"Thanks Jimmy, where do we start?"
"First, give me da bad news. Whadda my workin' wid here?"
"Well, let's see ... she refuses to work weekends so that I can get a new big screen; even though she makes plenty of money at her three jobs, she won't cosign a loan so that I can get a new bass boat; she guzzles beer like a sailor on leave; she has the personal hygiene of a French artist; she has more wrinkles than a prostitute's bed sheets, and she's gotta temper that makes Mike Tyson look like Mother Teresa."
"Yikes! And I thought makin' Clinton appealin' to "socca moms" was a tough nut to crack."
"Tell me about it Jimmy. Why just last week she said if I leave the toilet seat up one more time, she wasn't going to re-grip my golf clubs anymore."
"OOOH-WEEE WHAT A SNAKE!" Ok, Maudy, gib dis a try:
Dear Ms. Tania Mckeown, associate producer of "Wife Swap,"
Please consider my Idaho wife as an even-exchange for pop singer Britney Spears. Although my wife has not worn a leather teddy since the early 70's, and after two rough pregnancies she can no longer gyrate her hips like the pistons in Dale Jr.'s NASCAR Chevy, she has many fine qualities.
Kay is a real dynamo with mature good looks that are surpassed only by her selfless nature and love of life. She's comfortable with her unconventional body type and would rather have a drink or two with a friend than watch TV. Although Kay is a hard worker, she has weekends off, and even though she does not fish, she has spent countless hours thinking about bass boats.
I am willing to swap Kay "straight-up" for Britney, but if you don't feel it's a fair trade, I'd be willing to consider Britney, one of the hotties from the female hip-hop group Salt-N-Pepa, some cash and a keg of Bud Light.
Thank you,
Marty Fortier
"Good God Jimmy, you're a genious! It's perfect. What do I owe you?"
"Hell boy, you don't owe me nuttin'. Well, actually, if ABC caves and you git that chick from Salt-N-Pepa, give me a call. My right wing wacko wife is startin' to eat at my grits."
"You got it Jimbo."
"Gotta go Maudy, John Kerry's on the udda line and he needs me to spin his wife Teresa's latest comment comparing Republicans to pit bulls on crack.
Marty Fortier barely escaped a lifetime sentence in the cutthroat world of big city advertising and marketing. He currently operates a business, writes, and referees his children's fights from his home office somewhere in North Idaho. Marty Fortier can be reached at: mbfortier@icehouse.net.
