Fortier
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| Marty Fortier |
Longer parades less safe
Heat stroke a definite risk
Now that the 4th of July Parade is finally over, I have a suggestion: eligibility. In other words, institute some criteria for entrants.
Oh sure, putting a few rules in place might eliminate some of the crowd favorites like big trucks with cranes and people roller-skating. But just think if the Red Hot Mommas were only able to bring two or three hundred people instead of the entire membership. At least the Aryans were thoughtful enough to limit their paraders last weekend to 40 of their members. Oh wait, that is their entire membership. Bad example.
My point is simply this: small children and the elderly should not have to risk death by heat stroke to attend a small town parade. Parade organizers may want to consider the following:
1. Multiple cheerleading squads - good; more than one bagpipe troop - bad.
2. Fire truck
3. A parade is not the same thing as a march. Thus, staggering down Sherman Avenue with a cardboard sign is not the same as parading in a thematically decorated float.
4. Candy minimums. If you're not prepared to toss candy to kids along the parade route, you're not in.
5. Uniforms required. If you don't have a float, and you can't, at the very least, afford hats, your group is not qualified to enter.
I realize the aforementioned suggestions are a bit radical, but let's face it, if families have to pack two meals, the parade is too long. I actually had to get a haircut before and after the parade.
Call me crazy but I always thought you went to parades to see unique things. I see Tom Addis Fords and Dodges pretty much every time I drive up the 95. You want to see a sheriff's cruiser? Do 27 on 4th street through Dalton Gardens and look in your rearview mirror.
It's true, unless you live in San Francisco or Hollywood, you don't see kooky women wearing square-dancing dresses; with groceries on their heads; jitterbugging down the street with shopping carts every day. And the Mommas do qualify under my uniform requirement. So I guess they're in. The wife and I will just have to work extra hard each year encouraging our girls not to become lawyers, terrorists, crack dealers or Red Hot Mommas.
My personal favorite each year is the Falun Gong. They've got great uniforms and they march in perfect unison -- which makes sense considering they've all achieved "inner peace."
The Sheriff's posse is cool and different. Unless you're a Sandpoint hippie protesting the internal combustion engine, most of us rarely encounter mounted riot police.
And it's always good to see the Idaho Democrats marching. You definitely don't run into them every day. Note to the Dems: next year use some of the Bush tax cuts to build a float or buy hats.
The bottom line is that the Coeur d'Alene Fourth of July Parade can be both a great event and end the same day it begins. After a couple of hours standing around in the sun, people tend to get irritated. This year my wife nearly got into a fistfight with a biker from Wallace. Apparently it was over foul language. Out of frustration, the phrase "When's this damn thing going to end?" was uttered.
Upon hearing this, the biker turned to my wife and asked her to clean up her language. I quickly stepped in and explained to the young gangster that he better not mess with a woman who just lugged two children, four lawn chairs, and a 20-gallon ice chest 12 blocks in the searing heat. We were able to avoid a brawl -- this time.
I believe the establishment of elevated criteria for the entrants will result in a higher quality parade, that is not only fun and exciting, but ends well before the fireworks show.
Marty Fortier barely escaped a lifetime sentence in the cutthroat world of big city advertising and marketing. He currently operates a business, writes, and referees his children's fights from his home office somewhere in North Idaho. Marty Fortier can be reached at: mbfortier@icehouse.net.
