Fortier
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| Marty Fortier |
Welcome to Car d'Lane of the future
A few things have changed
Car d'Lane is pretty cool. All those old cars from Detroit, and all with at least one thing in common. No, it's not that they remind us of the good old days, it's that they guzzle gas like a frat boy at a kegger party.
This would be no problem if we had plenty of gas on hand. But this week I heard a news story claiming we Earthlings only have enough oil to get us through 2025. Holy Shiite! If that's true, what in the heck will Car d'Lane 2026 look like? All the old gas-guzzlers we currently enjoy each year will be kaput. Who's going to line the streets of Sherman Avenue to see a bunch of wacko environmentalists driving electric cars?
And forget about candy, girls and boys, I'm betting the owners of electric cars toss dehydrated fruit to the kids.
Here's a taste of Car d'Lane 2026:
• Things you won't hear:
Cop saying, "Slow that vehicle down."
Engines
Spectators saying, "Darn, there's no more spots on the curb."
Anyone saying, "Can I have a ride?"
• Things you will hear:
"Don't spill your tofu, non-dairy milk shake on my non-petroleum based, imitation animal skin upholstery."
"Are you sure the parade wasn't next Friday?"
"Can I plug my car into your shop?"
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
• Things you won't see:
Burn-out contest
Cars that hold normal-sized people
Fuzzy Dice
Getting a girl because of your car
A gas pedal
• Things you will see:
Lots of Berkinstocks
Lots of cars that can go 0 to 60 in under an hour
Lots of coffee stands where gas stations used to be
Lots of people getting run over by cars they can't hear coming
Vegetarians
Darwin bumper stickers
Extension cords
• New Awards:
"Best Battery"
"Quickest Charge"
"Best Golf Cart Conversion"
"Best Innovation for 2026 -- Seating for Three"
This is horrible. Without big, rumbling muscle cars, Car d'Lane just won't be the same. Let's face it, people just aren't going to "turn out" to see a vintage 2005 hybrid car. And trying to pass off an electric car rally as the Car d'Lane would be an insult to all the great Car d'Lanes of the past. I suggest the city scrap the whole idea of a parade of cars and think about replacing it with something totally new.
How about Cultural Awareness d'Alene? We could decorate all the old gas stations like different countries. Then we could all drive our electric cars to each defunct station and learn about the unique people of the world. Or maybe Global Warming d'Alene, where Al Gore and Kofi Annan deliver a series of lectures on how the United States is destroying the planet. Better yet, how about Endangered Species d'Alene. Local children could choose to dress up as their favorite endangered or extinct animal, or any current or past Republican president.
There's not much time left -- only about 20 years. We'd better stop putting members of the Earth Liberation Front (ELF) in jail for blowing up SUV's and torching lumber yards and get to work. I suggest the mayor call for an immediate "love in" to brainstorm replacements for the soon-to-be deceased Car d'Lane.
Marty Fortier barely escaped a lifetime sentence in the cutthroat world of big city advertising and marketing. He currently operates a business, writes, and referees his children's fights from his home office somewhere in North Idaho. Marty Fortier can be reached at mbfortier@icehouse.net.
